Something is missing……

A burden is gone, and I don’t know where it went, or exactly when it left. I just realized one day that it had disappeared. When you’re diagnosed with cancer, it puts a sharper perspective on your mortality. Everyone knows they will one day die, but having cancer brings that “one day” into sharper focus. When your next diagnosis is an incurable cancer, that “one day” almost seems to be lurking near by. The thought of death was constantly on my mind, it was always there. Always. It became exhausting. No matter where I went or what I did, the thought of impending death was involuntarily foremost in my thoughts. It was not the fear of death, I know the one true God; it was the reality of my death. That notion monopolized my mind for months at a time, and then one day I realized it was gone. I’m not sure what changed.  Maybe I just wore the idea out.  Maybe the “hope” my treatments have brought has kicked that “one day” a little farther down the road.

It was great to have Robin home for 10 days in October

It was great to have Robin home for 10 days in October

My insurance company is now covering Revlimid, which I am taking daily as a low dose maintenance medicine. I mentioned in an earlier post that my insurance company refused prior authorization for Revlimid as part of my chemotherapy and suggested my doctor use something they determined to be a “better overall value.” I got a little angry at that, thinking my life might be shorter because they wanted to use a cheaper drug. I would leave this earth, arrive in Heaven, and God would turn and ask me, Scott, what are you doing here so early? I had a couple more years planned for you but I guess that darn insurance company messed things up! I realized again that God knows the exact number of my days. The anger went away.


11 comments on “Something is missing……

  1. Diane MacDonald says:

    Wonderful post and report, Scott. I love your perspective and your always positive spin you put on even the hardest situations. I love your faith especially, you are an inspiration, and I am so glad you are doing better. I pray it will continue. You are blessed, and we are blessed to have you and Diane as our friends. Love and hugs!

  2. Don MacDonald says:

     Hello and good morning.,     WE sure enjoy spending time with when we got out to ya. it was realy fun.  Kind of strange I have thought about my own death. LIKE you I never know but to be honest it scares the Heck out of me.  In your shoes I do undersand you have  a good way of looking it . I look at my age and seen some of buddys pass away befor me and sometimes I wonder why I am still around . BUT there is still are reasons and that is what keeps my off of  it most of the time.       I do look up to you with everything your having to deal with I am not sure If I could handle it like you  .  YOUR ONE GOOD Man and person.  We looking foreward of getting back in touch and spending more time with when we all can.      Well when your ready to look more into getting your truck straten out I am more then willing to help you in parts and locate   what  your  going to need.    Happy things turn out the best for ya on dealing with it and the insurance payed off for ya . As well being  to keep it . Still a good truck.      Ya for   dealing with insurance and metal yes it can become a pain as well . I wish you all of the best on that one. YOUR looking good and sounding good the last time we talk,  YOUR ONE Brave person and have a  good look out with what all is going on with ya .      OK buddy keep in touch and we will get back together when things settle down a little.   IT is going to be busy again  soon. I  have a tank show  this coming Saturday that I have set up . SO I hope thing will go as plan. .   OK talk to ya soon  Keep the up dates coming all ways happy to here about what is going on   Have a good week and try to stay dry.  ;-)) DON  thanks


  3. Tamara Wright says:

    Excellent on all counts…..indeed, God not only knows our days…He’s the One who numbered them! So glad you’re thriving 🙂

  4. Becky Green says:

    Scott …. I am glad you are doing better. I think about you often and hope that you are better. Sorry the insurance company is “still” giving you fits. I am hoping that someday they will understand the needs of their members.

    Take Care…..Becky Green

    • scanfie says:

      Becky, thanks for the note, I heard that you moved. The insurance company is not currently giving me fits, they are now paying for a medication (actually two medications) which they previously refused.

  5. Martha Spinhirne says:

    I enjoyed reading your blog. I am going in for my first bone marrow biopsy next week…my doctor assured me it would be no more painful than a good kick in the butt…after reading your blog I am thinking he might have misled me a little?..the doctor suspects smouldering MM as I have no symptoms….the abnormalities in my blood proteins were discovered in a routine medical check up. I also live in Portland. Your blog has been very uplifting.

    • scanfie says:

      Martha: The bone marrow biopsy will be over fairly quickly, that’s the most encouraging thing I can say about it. A friend of mine was in the same situation as you, and it turned out not to be MM. If you have it, I’m sorry for you to be joining these ranks, but there are good meds and good treatments available to us. Thanks for reading, and good luck to you.

  6. Julie says:

    Well said Scott! When we think, express and write about our “terminal”, incurable status, so many people don’t get it. They’ll reply that “everyone is terminal”… blah, blah… so well said about the “sharper focus” we MM people have!!! We process our mortality on a much deeper level, as we know “it” will be happening … anyway, great post! And I can’t believe your insurance co refused to reimburse for Revlimid! It’s a standard treatment for MM. Shame on them! Glad they saw the light, and you didn’t back down. When I received my recent Rx, I couldn’t believe the Pharmacy billed price of over $9200 for my 3 weeks (fortunately I only had a copay of $20!). I’m on 5mg; what’s your dose? Glad things are going well for you! Julie

    • scanfie says:

      Hi, Julie: I don’t know what changed my insurance company’s stand on Revlimid for me, but it was not anything I did. My dose is 10mg / day. You are right, having cancer is extremely expensive. I like my insurance policy, I hope I can keep it (period!?).

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